Only When it Rains
by trippy37
Summary: Peeta's thoughts and struggles soon after returning to Twelve. How does he interact with Katniss now? Is she the girl he loved? Or the woman he's obsessed with?


**A Spring Fling fic for kklauser. Enjoy! Thank you for the fantastic beta jazzfic!**

_I'm only happy when it rains I'm only happy when it's complicated and though I know you can't appreciate it I'm only happy when it rains I only smile in the dark my only comfort is the night gone black I didn't accidentally tell you that I'm only happy when it rains _

Peeta woke with a gasp escaping his tight throat. His hand was clutching his pillow with such force that the turkey feathers that Katniss had filled it with were exposed. He sat up, rubbing his eyes which felt as if sand were grating underneath his eyelids _did I dream of the beach? was there lightening?_

How much sleep had he had? An hour? Two? Enough to have a nightmare, Peeta mused. Or worse, a flashback, which seemed likely now that the sleep had left his eyes. Especially considering the speed with which his heart was currently beating. Peeta put a finger to his neck to feel his pulse. Rapid _buh bump bah bum _and he could feel sweat pooling along the waistband of his shorts _along my spine._

Once he took a few deep open-mouthed breaths to slow his heart rate down _visualize the good doctor said _and closed his eyes, he tried to picture a blank canvass _sunlight on white fur _and thought about his current dilemma of mixing just the right shade for gray eyes _I thought I had it right before but now?_

His fists clenched and Peeta took another cleansing breath, through his nose this time and the smell from his open window invaded his nostrils _rain mud mutt. _No. Not real. Peeta breathed in again, deeply, and thought to appreciate the smell of a storm. It was good. _breathe_. It was cleansing. _breathe_. It was life.

_There_. His heart rate normalized and his fists released. He ran his palms along his thighs. Peeta knew he would not be sleeping any longer tonight. He leaned over his bed to re-attach his prosthetic from where Peeta kept it, leaning beside his bedside table. He stood to dress and stretched his back until it almost cracked. Peeta pulled up a soft pair of pants which lay on the floor where he'd kicked them off before climbing in his bed for the night _for not-sleep not- feel not-anything_. It was pre-dawn anyway and he considered heading to his second room where he had made a haphazard studio since he'd returned to Twelve two months ago. He could try again for the right shade of her eyes…

_Katniss_. If he knew one thing in his obsession _love_ with Katniss was that she wouldn't weather the storm well. She internalized the outside world and was probably just as awake as he was. Peeta swayed on his feet _foot_ indecisively. Paint Katniss. Go to Katniss. Which did his rattled brain prefer?

Peeta had his shirt and shoes on before even making a conscious decision.

Peeta hesitated at her door, wet with drops of water falling from his hair to his eyelashes, causing him to blink slowly. He noted absently the primrose bushes beside her house were lush in the dampness and the flowers blooming. The thought of Katniss's possible weather related despair and memories of her sister accosting her were enough for Peeta to decidedly turned her front doorknob. It opened easily _she never locked it her fear was inside not out _and he stepped quietly through the threshold, toeing off his wet shoes.

Peeta moved silently on the floor and stopped at the edge of the staircase and listened. In the quiet of the house, he heard her _sheets thrashing weeping. _Instead of causing Peeta the concern he _should_ feel, a thrill shot through his veins _because I am changed forever_.

Katniss and Peeta had been awkwardly offering assistance to one another ever since he planted those primroses. Katniss hunted and had a few turkeys providing extra feathers, so a gift of a pillow. Peeta made too much bread when he couldn't sleep, so Katniss had a fresh loaf most days. If Katniss slept all day, Peeta came over and made sure she ate _because if she dies does my obsession die? a capitol infused shiny question that kept me up most nights._ Peeta had a bad flashback one day at her house. She soothed him until he got through it _I bruised her arm that time and told her to run if it happened again but secretly I liked it she was willing to put herself on the line for me dangerous but appealing._

Comforting Katniss or her comforting him felt _fantastic_. It fed into his obsession _love_ to have this symbiotic connection to her _always._

His foot was on the first step, and the next, and the next until he was at her bedroom door, which was ajar _she didn't like closed doors like me just in case fight or flight._ Peeta could almost see her tears reflected off the small hallway window where the rain trickled against the glass.

He slipped into her room without opening the door further. The sun had yet to rise, but Peeta's eyes were perpetually adjusted to the dark now _the capitol was too bright unnaturally bright whether it was my first stay or my second it was pain hurt destructive the dark hurt less._ Peeta could make out her form. She was curled toward the door he just entered, her arms wrapped around her pillow. Damp gray eyes met his in the darkness _I want this color now gray eyes in the dark smoky gray vulnerable smoky gray._

Of course she wasn't surprised he was in her room. Even in his socked feet, his prosthetic made a telling, tapping noise on the floors downstairs and on the steps of the stairs.

"Katniss?" Peeta whispered with her name formed as a question on his lips _are you alright? do you need me. do I need you? _

She let go of the pillow and rolled over to her back, "I knew you'd come." Katniss said wetly, her voice quiet and ragged. She looked up at the ceiling and Peeta missed her eyes acutely _I was just about to memorize their color in the dark to mix later._

"I knew…" Peeta started and stopped. She had turned back on her side. Her sleep shorts rode higher on her thighs _oh oh oh a familiar heat_ and looked back at him. The need he saw in her eyes thrilled him _my blood sang to it_. "I knew you wouldn't be sleeping." He finished as he came to her, almost _almost_ involuntarily, and sat on the corner of her bed.

Her hand, small and scarred, touched his leg _my body desperately needs reaches for her touch. _"Your pants are wet." Katniss said plainly, trailing her hand from his thigh to touch his soggy hair _yes oh yes obsession love obsession love._

Peeta sighed and his eyelids flickered closed for a moment _I fucking loved the rain if she will touch him again like before. _Katniss's wandering hand fell back onto his lap. "It _is_ raining, you know." He said, already feeling the absence of her hand in his hair.

Katniss's chapped lip turned up and is _that is a smile? I see teeth in the dark and I am not afraid real real real. _Peeta traced a finger across her lips to confirm _there were no fangs_ that she had smiled. He added his thumbs to swipe away the last of her tears.

"Will you stay?" Katniss murmured softly.

But Peeta heard _yes oh yes every part of me old and new lover or obsessed wanted her in my arms. _Amidst his racing mind and heart, all Peeta could do was nod and say, "Always" on an exhalation.

Katniss's grin shifted a little _my blood my face my hands hot heat _and she tugged on his pants, "Take these off and hang them to dry."

Peeta began to move shakily, but she pulled him back and rubbed her fingers on the back edge of his damp shirt. "This too." Katniss's calloused thumb grazed the skin _her touch thrills _space between where his pants sat on his hips and his t-shirt rode up.

After a few seconds, allowing Katniss to stop touching him _hypnotic and arousing_ Peeta stood to do as she bid. He turned his back to her _if I did this looking at her it would be too much for me _and managed to will his fingers to slide his pants over his hips.

He could feel the weight of her eyes on him and Peeta turned around to face her _eyes darker gray like a storm I imagined my palette and mentally added a shade of ashen gray. _His eyes met hers and he pulled on the hem of his shirt _careful this scenario too close to my dark late fantasies_ finally freeing him from the sticky material.

Katniss's eyes were hooded and no longer teary. Peeta threw his damp clothes across her dressing table chair behind him and froze. She had her blanket in her hand, waiting for him. Peeta had been in her bed before _the train the games before _and even since he'd been back, but it was during the day and fully clothed _definitely not in his boxers and her in those small shirts and oh I can see a thigh peeking out of her sheets._

Peeta's body moved instinctively _my body remembered what it wanted her her always her _and slid into her bed with as much grace as he could muster _which wasn't much._ Once he was finally sheathed in the blankets with her, Katniss returned to the curled-up position he found her in, however he was her pillow now _I've been here before? always real?_

"Katniss," Peeta spoke once she'd settled. "Have we been like this before?" He took a deep breath and her head moved on his chest as it expanded. Peeta wound the end of her braid around his forefinger. "I mean, I remember the train, but…"

"Yes," she answered him, speaking to his chest, "Once. The night before the Quell. I didn't want you to leave, so you showered in my room."

Katniss looked up to him _her eyes spark and now I think to add silver to the mix_ with flushed cheeks and said, "All I had to offer you to wear after was a pair of shorts that were a bit roomy on me. But on you…" She looked down again and spoke to his chest once more, "they were kind of tight."

"I think I remember. It was after our interviews. Those wedding clothes…" _the memory was ripe with a certain type of horror I can't quite name. _Peeta shudders.

She nodded against him, "It was an awful night, but we got through it together." Katniss's breath against _my skin my nerves lit up like lightening _his chest blew an amused huff. "Like we are now," she continued, "I don't like the rain at night."

"I do." Peeta blurted. It was the rain that woke him, the rain that brought him here, and the rain that had him in her bed _their skin touching my hand winding her braid I love the rain the dark and this. _"But, well, except for not sleeping or getting wet." He explained. "Tell me more about before the Quell. I remember Cinna and Portia came."

"Not until the morning. We tried to sleep, but we…couldn't…so, I um, we…" Katniss was practically stuttering. Her head buried deeper against his chest and her braid slipped from his fingers.

"We _what_?" Peeta admitted often that he was confused about things, but he couldn't have forgotten _that. Could I? I woke often enough thick with images of her and arousal but it was fantasy obsession love obsession not real._

Katniss's head peeked up at him, "No! But you kissed me. You'd kissed me before without the cameras, but that was the only time we kissed…um…at night. Alone." Katniss clarified, "In bed."

_How was this memory taken from me_? "Are you sure there were no cameras?" Peeta growled in frustration, "How else can't I remember if there was nothing for them to tamper?"

"Shh…" Katniss stroked his chest; just over his heart _my frustration slowly ebbs under her hand_. "Cinna and Haymitch always believed that what we said at the Capitol was being recorded…so maybe?" She touched his chin to be certain his eyes were looking into hers. "I didn't tell you to be upset. I just wanted…to tell you the truth…for you to remember…"

"I'm trying!" Peeta said too sharply. Katniss's hand stilled on his chest and he covered her hand with his own, "I'm sorry. You see," Peeta tried to explain, "I can almost remember who I was before, but I can't quite reconcile _that_ Peeta to who I am right now." _Obsession love obsession love played like a mantra in my scrambled mind. Which one was real?_

"I'm not who I was before," Katniss said sadly. "I don't expect you to be either."

Peeta tried to calm his racing mind. One arm around Katniss's waist and the other still holding her hand on his chest, over his heart _where the deepest of his scars resided_ he knew at least, this was right where he needed _wanted desperately _to be. Several minutes passed with her tucked under his chin. So many, in fact, he thought she was asleep.

"I wish I could kiss you." He breathed into her hair _love love love obsession love. _"I wish I could make a real memory."

Her face tipped up and her eyes were still _bright in the growing light there was gray as light as a raindrop _open_. _Katniss moistened her lips with the touch of her pink tongue. "So kiss me then."

The sight of her upturned lips and that hint of tongue _oh reign in this arousal _almost undid him. Peeta couldn't resist the invitation. His one hand tightened at her waist while the other left hers on his chest and cupped her cheek.

"Katniss, I…" Peeta's head was just about to dip to hers, but she met him more than halfway. He brought her with him as his head hit the pillow again. Her lips were slightly chapped, but warm and Peeta chased her tongue once their kiss deepened _electricity buzzed from the tips of my hair once our tongues touched._

_love love love desire love came from each of my heartbeats_

Their lips parted Katniss _don't stop oh please _and although both were breathing heavier, it was Katniss who finally said, "We had to stop last time too…we weren't…ready then either."

Peeta nodded. "Soon, I'll know who I'm supposed to be." He stated.

"Soon, I will too." Katniss replied.

They relaxed into the covers and themselves. The sound of the rain was the furthest from room as it had been all evening and the room was still. Peeta's and Katniss's hands intertwined over the scar on his chest. He felt her weight against him as she finally slept.

The clouds had parted, the dawn sun shone _I am holding Katniss_ and the rain had ended _at least for now_.

_I'm only happy when it rains pour your misery down you can keep me company as long as you don't care I'm only happy when it rains you want to hear about my new obsession I'm riding high upon a deep depression I'm only happy when it rains_

_Fin._


End file.
